Heartbreak elegy.

Some said our first heartbreak would be a thunderstorm; it would crush us down and screw us up, leaving us in an endless tunnel with no good. And if we’re by any chance got unlucky, we would be subconsciously haunted by the memory for the rest of our life.

Unfortunately, I am not in the-lucky-ones team.

My heartbreak experience sucks. The feeling of being rejected when you’re ready to give your whole heart is torturing. That guy was not even my first crush, but he was one big piece of a puzzle of my very own unrequited love story. Recalling the disgusted look he threw on me, gosh, I even had to apologize for having a crush on him. Sounds desperate as fuck. I never know loving someone could be that awful. Well, maybe I haven’t really figured out what love was. I was only a naive 12-year-old kid who didn’t think that life is not always about to give and take. It is mostly about to give and give. And silly me was not ready for that conversation yet. 

One thing for sure is that I never expected that the story would fuck me up a lot. Eventually, this unfortunate experience succeeded to turn my love life around.

I have reached this point in my life where I have never once felt that I’m worthy enough to be someone’s half. As soon as I fall for someone, I know right away that they are out of my league. I know right away that my feeling won’t be reciprocated. Idk, I’m always down for loving but rarely for being loved. That is why the second I know that I’ve fallen for some guy, I’d also be super ready to be rejected in no time.

Hence, if loving somebody truly equals to constantly being reminded that I’m not worthy, I’d rather choose not to love at all.

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Truth is, I’m writing this piece to remind myself that even though my self-love is almost at its maximum level, if I still couldn’t beat this feeling of unworthiness, I would never go there. I would never reach the level of self-acceptance I aspire to have. Self reminder, ceunah. 

Here’s to growing up cooler, stronger, and better at choosing what defines my worth.