2020.

2020 is definitely the year in which I've done a bunch of new things while doing basically nothing at all at the same time. Super weird.

And no, I'm not gonna make it look like it was a fun year—it's clearly not. But viewing it as a half-full kind of person, this year started off quite delicately, I guess. There were layers of highlights in every single month that I proudly (and ironically) engrave in my head. Plans and promises were made, goals and expectations existed, realistically (learned it the hard way from last year's mess). However, this year still didn't cease to sprinkle me some spices.

In the first half of the year, I met someone. He'll probably stumble upon this post, so might as well call this an open letter. A tacky one. If only I knew how much I'd become emotionally invested in him, I'd rather put the bar back to where it's supposed to be before we know each other. Yes, I took the blame. I let my guard down for merely the idea of him portrayed in my head. His presence reminded me of oddly familiar feelings which somehow also distance us apart. But the whole thing we went through brought me back to my senses that I wasn't ready yet. And so was he. However, to say that I'm happy our path once intertwined is an understatement. There's always something new we can learn from people, and I learned a lot from him (and for him, lol, talking about my amateurish digital art skill). Thank you for the experience, you. You're sure a fun one to befriend.

The second half of the year was pure internal chaos. I had some classic battles with my inner demon about everything at once with the lockdown and pandemic going on. Staying sane was definitely a compulsory course everyone must take this year, wasn't it? Fortunately this time, it's so so much easier to make peace with what's inside compared to the mess last year. I'm no longer feel the urge to switch the people-pleaser mode on 24/7 as I've always done. I'm no longer feel the need to constantly prove myself to the ones who didn't even take a glance at me. Shoutout to the ones giving me reassurance, you know who you are. Slowly, I'm able to decode things I had to. I can clearly see my own worth. All of these stay-at-home situations prolly played a big role in this part since I got tons of private time with minimal human encounters. (I still hate Miss Rona, of course)

What exceeded my expectations was the fact that I managed to accomplish small yet essential things throughout the year. You sure are tough, self. I think you deserve a warm cup of tea and a big bite of cookie to close the year.

I'll definitely close the 366th page feeling thankful for myself for surviving this bloody year; for my surroundings for showering each other with love; for the experiences and opportunities given to me; for Yuna and her Chapters and Rouge albums which helped me throughout my dark days; for the rays and hope I'm holding loose onto.

I hope next year we'll get the chance to actually enjoy living, not just surviving and constantly looking for a silver lining.

Thank you, 2020.

You will not be missed.